I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
