Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Vodka?
Forever.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
