I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
