I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
