it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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