If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
