i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
