I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
