WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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