Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
