so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
