Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
