i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
