Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
