Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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