sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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