I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
there is glitter all over my balls
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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