So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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