You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
