Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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