Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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