you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
