Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
