Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You pole danced in your parka.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
