That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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