I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
