Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
