Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
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It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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