Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You've changed since you got that strap on