Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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