He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
