On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
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