i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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