he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
