i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm bleeding and have questions
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
