We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
