And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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