Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
