It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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