Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
