i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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