Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
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I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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