let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
