there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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