I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
