i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
