My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
