she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
