my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
