That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
