i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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