I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
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Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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