Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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