i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
