i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
