I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
