She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
