And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
