it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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